So much to say, so scared to start.
What do I notice about myself lately?
Lately, I notice when I am in fear I behave as 'tail between my legs' about everything, scared to be around people, and overwhelmed, always checking their every move and emotion looking for danger. So stressed I drank 'cause I didn't have my sacred medicine accessible to me but thank fuck now I finally do. Insane how much more awareness of it's effect I notice on my body. Absolutely destroyed by poor gut health. Made me so sick, and insanely anxious. Horribly anxious. No wonder a fear-dominated society allows such a horrible drug but demonizes sacred Tabacco and Cannabis.
Made a run for it you quick fox. I play super honest and I am, unless you are not allowing me to be free and do the things aligned for me. I have to do what I have to do. If you push me in a corner I will be devious, I will deceit, I will hide. But naturally, I want to tell you the truth, I want to share everything with you. If you make me feel safe you will see the inner child side in me. If you create discomfort for me or worse, cage me, I will push you out and you will only see an ever-changing mask, if at all.
I am devious and I love being like that. I have learned to love all parts of me. The liar, the manipulative one, the abusive one, the hurt one, the victim, the warrior, the soft, delicate side, the deeply sexual side, the hateful side, the nurturing side, the feminine side, the masculine side. The light and the dark. I love it all and celebrate the complex diversity. How interesting I am to myself. I am so excited to learn more and more about myself as the years go by. Who am I in this scenario? How do I act in this difficulty? When stuck between a rock and a hard place, what would I do? When everything is ripped from me, and I have nothing left, no one to help me, fighting for my life, what am I like? Where does my integrity lie?
It's crazy that already at this age I can answer those questions with many stories.
What if that's the purpose of this difficulty, of the suffering? What if, swords are forged in fire, diamonds are made under pressure and therefore we came to this planet, into these human bodies to become diamonds, to be the most intricately designed sword? Strong, tough as fuck and absolutely mesmerizing stunning.
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