Oh my mother fucking sweet baby Jesus, I can not believe this fucking shit, but it made me who I am today. If I hadn't been broken and destroyed so many times I would have never rebuilt myself. Again, and again and again. Refined. Intricately designed. Tested and tried.
Fuck, this destroyed me. I chose to breathe again, I chose to find a way. What will it look like? What will the rebuilt me look like this time? Last time I didn't like this, last time that didn't serve me, in fact, it damaged me. I'd rather be alone. Again, new word words, new people. I can do this.
Fuck these people fucking betrayed me, I gave them my soul, I loved them with my fucking heart. Ok, bye bitches. Alone again. I prefer it.
Hmm, turns out we're designed to live in community, to live open-hearted. Well fuck me I guess there's gotta be people who I can love openly who will love me the same way. Who won't hate me for who I am.
Ok, so. Well fuck. I create my reality with the beliefs I hold and the words I speak. So what the fuck kind of shit is going on in my head that is creating this fucking garbage.
Oh my god but I hate this reality so bad, it's destroying my soul. I'm fighting for my life every mother fucking day. I can't do this. I can't fucking do this. I need to get out. Nothing is working. I'm trying so hard, I'm trying SO FUCKING HARD, AAAHHHHGGGGGHHHH!!!!!
This will be the end of me, psych ward here I come.
AAHHHGGGG FUCCCKKK MEEEE. I know it's because taking action in the physical instead of the emotional/spiritual/ energetic won't make a fucking difference. It'll be a different room but same people, same energy, same reality. I need to change the words. I need to change from within.
OH MY FUCKING GOD THIS IS SO FUCKING HARD I CAN'T FUCKING DO THIS. This is insane, what am I gonna say to people if they ask how you've been helping yourself? You mean to say that to get yourself out of an abusive homeless situation, you are gonna write some words and do yoga and meditate and focus gratitude and practice not reacting to the 3D and make it your full intention to find a better feeling thought and make it a priority to take care of yourself and rest. This? This is how you are handling this...?
Geez, so judgy, relax. Yeah, it feels fucking dangerous and lazy and irresponsible and fucking insane but from what I learned, from what I studied, what science and spirituality says... yeah. And, at this point, I can't even help it. My body is running the show and I can't stop myself anymore. So I'm horrendously scared every fucking day because it goes against every fucking cell in my body, but I can't stop myself, and I know I'm doing the most powerful thing I possibly could. It's just that my body is scared, it's new, it's completely in opposition to everything I've been raised with, in fact, beaten into me. My nervous system was horrified to allow myself to recover, to stand up for myself, to speak truth. The abuse I've experienced my whole fucking life up until now, taught me those things are fucking dangerous and they lead to more pain, more abandonment, more abuse. DON'T FUCKING DARE DO THAT SHIT.
But I could no longer play small, I could no longer be quiet, I could no longer accept what I had been given. I couldn't stop myself from the stances I took, from the people I dared to stand up to, to make the decisions I had to make to save myself.
It has been the worst mother fucking year of my life and I've been suicidal my whole fucking life. I can not believe I am still breathing to write this. I can't die in this lifetime, I tried hahaha fucks sakes. Well, if death is not for me in this life, then I'm gonna live the most obnoxiously amazing life. I'm gonna fulfill every fucking desire I ever have, I will let the wind fucking take me to the most incredible experiences of human life, I will experience every mother fucking thing that I fucking want to.
Self-sovereignty
I guess that's the gift of destruction.
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