Men.. hmm..

To discuss either men or women today seems like such a touchy topic - so I'm gonna touch it 😈

My life experience taught me, right from the beginning of life - men are dangerous. They abuse, they hurt. I am not safe with them. I didn't know I had this belief in my subconscious. Paradoxically, I have been in love with boys since I could perceive them hahaha - oh my god, I'm not joking. My mom told me this story. 3 years old, in Germany, Mom is with me as I'm playing with other kids. I stand in front of of this boy, throw my little serious hand on my hip and ask him dead straight - "Do you think I'm cute?" HAHAHA I joke that I came out the womb flirting with the Doctor. I just love to love people! What do you want? hahaha I love having a crush on someone. My heart feels lonely when there's no one to crush on hahaha. But just because I have a crush on you doesn't mean I want anything more from you than to just enjoy your existence. hahahah yep. I am like this.

So because my heart is like this and I grew up in a culture that beat into me to be beautiful, well mannered and well presented at all times, I have always, effortlessly drawn attention to myself. Now, because I was raised by an abuser, and didn't know how he treated me wasn't okay, I attracted those kinds of boys as well. Since my teenage years, my heart would be constantly drawn to people that resembled my parents. I've had abusive relationships with men all this time. From romantic interests to platonic to work relationships.

In my healing process, I learned that what we believe is what we attract. If I hold the belief that I'm a victim and my life sucks - then you will attract people and situations to prove that correct. I started to learn that the things I hated in my life were coming from a belief I held. I remember balling my heart out after I realized how much abuse I allowed from another boss. Again. This was already after my divorce, after another painful breakup, after leaving the religion. I thought I had done the work of this trauma that kept attracting these kinds of men into my life. I was devastated. But - had to pull those bootstraps up, take responsibility and see what beliefs I held about men.

haha - I'm trying to think of what it was that I believed back then but I can feel my body being uncomfortable with this. I don't want to admit I held hurtful beliefs about men. *Dang, I am getting so good at being aware and honest with myself. Good job Nika!*

I believed men take advantage. Men only want me for what they can get from me and out of me. Men take advantage of me. Men rape. Men oppress. Men only care about my beauty, my body. Men are harsh and violent. The list goes on. You get the picture. So here I am, in love with men haha but they are hurting me. How can I want your love so deeply, but you hurt me to that depth instead? This was the heartbreak I felt.

I had to actively change my thinking. Again, from my studies, I understood that what I believe, I attract. I had to replace my views on men. I had to know, I had to believe, I had to hope, that not all men are like this. I had to think back to all my male friends who treated their loved ones with love and kindness. I had to rewrite the words in my head about men. I had to believe, if I changed the words, that the laws of the universe would prove my words true.

Men are safe. Men are good. Men are gentle. Men are powerful. Men are brilliant. Men are incredible providers. Men make great decisions. Men care about their family and community. Men are gentlemen. Men are intuitive. Men are romantic. Men are hella fun. Men want to love and be loved as much as we want it. Men care about our happiness. Men are loyal. Men are beautiful.

Law of attraction worked it's beautiful magic. I began to look for and notice these kinds of men more and more in my life. From the men I made friends with at the gym, on the street, at events, to the men I worked with, to the romantic interest I encountered. My heart felt like it was bursting. I had so many moments where I would ball my eyes out of gratitude reflecting on my interactions. I couldn't believe I was being spoken to with so much love, understanding and appreciation.

"I can't believe I'm actually worthy of being treated like this." Wow I have always dreamed of moments like this." I can't believe he touched me like that." All of a sudden my experiences with men left me saying things like this. Touch especially. The only touch I ever received from my father was to cause pain. I don't know if it was more traumatizing that he never touched me out of love of, or that he picked up anything that belonged to me, LITERALLY with two fingers like he pulled a dead rat out of a chemical waste bin. Fuck, that hurts my head remembering this. This behaviour taught me to believe - I am disgusting.

I want to tell you about a man that did wonders in healing a lot of these wounds. *Starting to remember this relationship... I fucking love how romantic my life is* It was a summer romance with a military man - how movie esc haha. A beautiful Mexican/Chilean Sargent had made himself into my life. From the moment I met him, I knew he was going to be special to me. I knew our time together was temporary and I wouldn't see him again. It was what felt safe for me at the time. I could enjoy fully the present without having to worry about the future of us. It was perfect, just what I needed getting out of a marriage.

Right away we talked about what we wanted and hoped for from this connection. He initiated these conversations. What our boundaries are. As he expressed himself to me, I watched him display so many beautiful qualities. He spoke to me with respect and play. He didn't shy away from necessary conversation that may have made me uncomfortable. He's a Sargent right, serious and strict when needed but he knows when to be serious and when to play. But I could tell right away his lead was with love and play. Play - Meaning the kind of fliriness that you see amongst hot successful bartenders. * Is that relatable or is that specific thing from my life experience? hahaha*

So. This relationship is temporary. Yet - this man treated me with more love, admiration, gratitude, care, gentleness than I had ever experienced in my life. I never opened doors anywhere. He lived an hour from me and came to me every time. Made plans in advance, checked with my desires, let me know the plans in advance. Paid for everything. If I cooked, he without question would clean and express his gratitude for my efforts. And the best part for me - he touched me with love. The first time he grabbed my hand with an energy of confidence, gentleness and kindness ... you guys. I had a full blown aneurysm. hahahaha I blacked out. I'm serious. I can't remember where we walked to, what he said to me. My brain was tweakin' out. hahaha

When you only know anger and hate, anything outside of that is foreign and shocking. It is. I'm telling you. I tweaked out. hahaha it's like maybe the overload of some chemical created an explosion of new neurons, you know? This is my theory anyways haha

The same thing happened the first time he hugged me, the first time he held me, the first time he kissed me. His energy was so pure. So good for my soul. He touched with love. He did. From the first time he greeted me. But not because he loved me then, it wasn't personal. He just simply existed with love. I know there is a difference because the closer we got, the more vulnerable we had been with each other, the more we interacted with each other with love, the more I felt gratitude in his touch. I remember specifically an instance where he had shown vulnerability and I showed him safety and acceptance. All I did was mirror back to him the good that he wasn't seeing. It felt like nothing for me to do that. But to him it must have soothed a wound because he way this man's face light up in awe, how he grabbed my face and kissed me was like in the movies, you guys. The kind of disney kiss a little girl dreams of.

My heart exploded through the planet. I melted into fucking lava. I could not handle reality. Everytime he left after having spent a couple days together, it would take me 2 - 3 days just to process our interactions. It was all so new to me. The way it was nothing for me to mirror back to him the good, it was nothing for him to be affectionate. Specifically the quality of the affection. His touch was always respectful, loving, playful. I always felt so safe with him, there wasn't a single part of me that was scared of him, or scared that he would hurt me emotionally, physically, mentally. Not only was I not scared but I felt safe - he was healing to my wounds. He soothed my soul. That is the biggest gift he ever gave me. The biggest gift anyone can give, I think.

I did it. I changed my reality. He was the first man to confirm all the belief changes in men that I held. I got to experience a beautiful man that is good. That is romantic. That cares about my happiness. That cares about his community. That leads with heart. And as a reward, the experience was healing to me.

Since I have met even more incredible men. I have been so blessed to make friends with so many men that have been soothing to me. So many men in our community that fit the same statements above. I am so grateful to know them. So it breaks my heart when this aggression that has developed in the world also poisons the minds of these amazing men. I know good men that tell me all men are trash. What are you saying!? Are you not a good man? If you weren't I wouldn't be hanging out with you. Whose projections are you believing? Whose words are those? Please stop that shit and see yourself for who you are. We need our men to be in their power, in their balanced self. We can not have that if we keep manifesting shit like this. Our words hold power, what we say creates reality. We need to stop making men believe they are bad. Some men, yeah sure, but there are assholes in every category of life. The assholes however, only make up a small percentage of the world. What we focus on expands. If we want to see the best in our men, then we have to set the intention to look for, see and express that. We all need support. We need to be nicer to our men. We also need to look after our men. Our men deserve our love.

A song I love.. KAMAUU - BOA

"[Intro: K Osei Agyeman]

I think we need to consider that the hope of the black community is in imbedded  in the restoration of the family. Gender feuds are futile, and only lead to further disfunction. A strong community is not possible without strong families, because the attributes and characteristics of the family are transferred to the community."

I think that applies to all community. Gender feuds are futile, and only lead to further disfunction. We can not grow if we keep this gender hatred shit up.

...

Thank you J for showing me Men are good and I deserve love

(2022)